SUKINA PILGRIM
Psycho Bitches
Was there ever a moment
Before the words left your mouth -
Flying like a flock of crows
Into cloudy grey skies
That you looked into my eyes
And thought about the pain
That your words would paint
Across my ocean.
Your letters huddle together
Forming words that you wield
Like invisible daggers
Piercing the air
Leaving scars on my soul
But nobody knows they are there.
There is no stigma or glares
For the one who abuses
But doesn’t leave bruises.
Maybe if I bled a little
Each time your words grazed my skin
Maybe if you had to watch me
Wash the blood away
Like scarlet paint
Against, our white porcelain sink -
If you had to witness my wounds slowly heal
Leaving scars that will forever bear your name -
If I had to wear sunglasses
To cover black eyes
Caused by your whip-like, tongue
Would you pause for second
Realise that your words are a weapon
And you are at war
With a woman, wounded
Who has no strength to fight anymore.
Your curses are like a drone attack
Missiles, blowing craters into my body
Destroying land mass on impact
The kind of bombs that leaves the whole village homeless
And now I’m a refugee in my own body.
No longer at home
In this abode of flesh and bones
No place to call my own
No place of safety, nowhere to flee
I don’t even have the front door key
To me.
Do you know how it feels to look in the mirror
And not recognise yourself
Dark circles under my eyes
Like a dark blue lagoon at midnight
Sometimes, I wish the water would swallow me whole
And wash away this pain.
No glow in my skin
No light in my eyes
I keep my voice quiet
Trying not to incite.
You’ve called me so many names
I’ve forgotten mine
Suffocating in self hatred
No connection to this body
That is supposed to be sacred
Seeking refuge in all the wrong places
Seeking asylum from all the wrong faces.
Sometimes I wonder if a heavy hand upon my face
Would hurt less than this.
I wonder if you saw the consequence
Of your actions
Would you pause for a second
Let me breathe for a moment
Before cutting me open, like a C-section
With your acidic diction.
I’m learning to turn the volume down
When you embrace your dark side.
When he knocks the door
You always let him in
Sipping Gin with the devil
Straight, no chaser -
I can tell when he’s arrived
By the look in your eyes
And the gravel in your voice
And the venom in your spit
I know you will not be done
Until you drag away my dignity
And cast it into the ocean
Leaving a hollow shell
Where a queen used to be.
How does it make your feel
When you use your words to bring me to my knees
Slit my throat, but I can’t bleed
No hands around my neck
Yet, I cant’ breathe.
Your words cling to me
Like cigarette smoke
Leaving an odour that only I can smell.
Our mothers never told us
Some men will use words to cast spells
Curse us until we forget ourselves
Causing more pain, than flames from hell
And I’m tied to a stake
This fire’s burning my feet
And there is smoke in my face -
Like those ancient women
Who were feared by weak men
Back when, they could see our power
And knew they had to break us
Back then, they called us witches
Now they call us bitches
Powerful women, with acute intuition
Had knowledge of the stars
And the plant kingdom
These women gifted with visions
Third eye open, they could heal what was broken
With energy streaming from their hands
Or with natural potions
Crushed berries and herbs
Incantations and sacred words
That we used to speak life into existence
We used to build nations with our tongues
And soothe cities with our songs
Soak our sons in the sacred waters
Of our wombs, sing them tunes
Under the moonlight
Praying they would grow to be upright
And some listened, but many didn’t
Didn’t realise
That each times they curse their girlfriends or wives
They are cursing the women who gave them life
Poisoning the circle of life
This letter is goodbye